In a 2023 survey by Schroders, 72% of UK adults said they had never discussed inheritance with their parents. Not how much they might receive. Not when. Not under what conditions. And certainly not why.
This silence is not accidental. It is deeply embedded in British culture, reinforced by social taboos, emotional complexity, and the entirely understandable fear that talking about money will change family relationships for the worse. But the evidence is overwhelming: families who avoid these conversations are far more likely to end up in disputes, misunderstandings, and fractured relationships after a death than those who have them.
Why We Avoid the Conversation
The death taboo. Talking about inheritance means talking about death. For many people — particularly parents — this is deeply uncomfortable. It forces an acknowledgement of mortality that most of us prefer to defer. The conversation feels morbid, and the instinct is to avoid it.
The money taboo. In British culture, talking about money is considered vulgar. How much you earn, how much you have saved, how much your house is worth — these are topics most people would rather not discuss, even with close family. Inheritance combines the death taboo with the money taboo, creating a perfect storm of avoidance.
Fear of conflict. Parents worry that discussing inheritance will trigger arguments between siblings. They fear that children will compare what they are receiving and feel slighted. They worry that talking about money will change how their children see them — or see each other.
Fear of entitlement. Some parents worry that telling children about their inheritance will reduce their motivation. Why would they work hard if they know a large sum is coming? This concern is particularly common among self-made business owners who value independence and effort.
Guilt and complexity. Not every family situation is straightforward. Parents who are leaving unequal shares, excluding a child, or benefiting a new partner over children from a previous relationship may feel guilty — and avoidance feels easier than explanation.
The Cost of Silence
The problem with avoiding the conversation is that silence does not prevent conflict — it creates it. When families do not discuss estate plans, every beneficiary fills the gap with assumptions. And those assumptions are almost always wrong.
Common scenarios that follow from silence:
- Siblings discover at the funeral that one child received a larger share — and assume favouritism rather than understanding the reason
- A child learns that a parent’s new partner has been left the family home — and feels betrayed
- Beneficiaries discover the estate is worth far less than expected — because they assumed property values or ignored debts
- An executor is overwhelmed by the role because they were never told they had been appointed — and never agreed to it
- A family business succession plan is revealed for the first time after the founder’s death — creating resentment among family members who were not consulted
The result, in too many cases, is a contested Will. The number of contentious probate cases in England and Wales has risen significantly over the past decade. The average cost of a contested estate case is £30,000 to £50,000 in legal fees, and the process takes 12 to 24 months. The emotional cost is incalculable.
What the Research Says
Research consistently shows that families who communicate openly about financial plans have better outcomes. A study by the Williams Group found that 70% of wealth transfers fail to preserve family harmony — and the primary cause is not poor financial planning but a breakdown of trust and communication within the family.
The finding is consistent across cultures: the families who preserve wealth and relationships across generations are not the wealthiest or the best advised. They are the ones who talk.
How to Start the Conversation
The first conversation does not need to cover everything. It does not need to include exact figures. It simply needs to break the silence.
1. Start with the why, not the what. Begin by explaining your values and your intentions. Why have you structured your estate plan the way you have? What matters most to you? What do you hope your legacy will be? This is far easier than diving straight into numbers — and far more meaningful.
2. Choose the right moment. A family gathering is rarely the right time. Choose a quiet, private moment when there is no time pressure and no audience. A walk, a drive, a quiet Sunday afternoon. The setting matters more than the script.
3. Be honest about discomfort. It is perfectly fine to say: “This is an uncomfortable conversation and I have been putting it off. But I think it is important, so I want to try.” Acknowledging the difficulty makes the conversation easier, not harder.
4. Listen more than you speak. The conversation is not a monologue. Your children and your partner have fears, assumptions, and questions of their own. Give them space to express them. You may be surprised by what they are thinking — and reassured by how well they handle it.
5. Do not try to cover everything at once. The first conversation should open the door. Subsequent conversations can go deeper. Estate planning is not a one-off event — it is an ongoing process, and the conversations should be too.
6. Involve your adviser. Some families find it easier to have the conversation with a professional present. An estate planner or financial adviser can provide neutral ground, answer technical questions, and keep the discussion focused and productive.
What to Cover Eventually
Over time, the conversations should cover:
- The existence and location of the Will
- Who the executors are — and whether they are willing to act
- The broad structure of the estate plan — not necessarily exact figures, but the general approach
- Any unequal distributions — and the reasons behind them
- Powers of Attorney — who has been appointed and what authority they have
- Business succession plans — particularly if family members are involved in the business
- Funeral wishes — a practical but important detail that many families overlook
A Conversation, Not a Lecture
The most important thing to remember is that this is a conversation, not a lecture. You are not delivering a verdict. You are sharing your thinking, hearing your family’s perspective, and building a shared understanding that will protect everyone — financially and emotionally — when the time comes.
The families who have these conversations do not regret them. The families who do not have them almost always do.
If you would like help preparing for a family financial conversation, or if your estate plan needs updating before you have it, contact Legacy Wills. We can help you get the plan right and the conversation started.